So marriage is a lot of things. And it can get hard sometimes. However, you gotta do what you gotta do. But whatever it is, these tweets by married people prove my point. And that is. Marriage is fun.
The Fun(ny) Side Of Marriage
1. Because that’s the most you can do.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
— Just J (@junejuly12) March 4, 2020
2. Since this husband sure cares about what his wife wants.
My wife likes to keep the mystery in our relationship.
For example, I never know what is going to arrive for her from Amazon today.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 4, 2020
3. But you know, I feel this one. No joke.
Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) March 3, 2020
4. However, look at this very observant and attentive husband.
Me: you’re mad at me?
Wife: no, not even sure why you would say that.
Me: I can tell by the sound of you putting the plates away.
Wife: fuck you and fuck those plates.
Me: there it is.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 26, 2020
5. Well, that’s just funny now.
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 9, 2020
6. So this one I don’t get. I mean. How can you fall asleep? More importantly. BUT WHY?
Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?
Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.
Wife: That movie doesn't exist.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2020
7. So this one is very relatable. I totally get it. I’m a picky eater myself. Although, poor husband.
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterwards.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 22, 2020
8. Because it’s important to feel like your opinion matters. Whether it actually does or not is a completely different matter.
I ask my husband what show he wants to watch even though I’m going to choose because it’s important for him to feel like his opinion matters even though it really doesn’t.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 25, 2020
9. And here’s reason 3498 why it’s not realistic.
Why isn’t porn more realistic? Like why isn’t there one with a husband and wife and the wife chokes violently on her spit and the husband gets alarmed they spend a good 5 mins with her coughing and him smacking her on the back and then the mood is gone so they go get donuts?
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) March 8, 2020
10. So. Kind of guilty of this myself.
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) February 25, 2020
11. But. *sigh* men. That’s it. That’s the caption for this one.
Traveling with your husband is fun because no matter where you go you’ll still end up in a Wal-Mart buying the one thing he was entrusted to pack.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 16, 2020
12. However, this guy sure knows how to get revenge.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 28, 2020
13. Because they only hear what they wanna hear.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 24, 2020
14. But what did he even do wrong?
My wife told me that to revive the spark in our marriage I should start treating her like I did when we first started dating so last night I took her to a movie and dropped her off at her parents house
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) February 19, 2020
15. However, in case you didn’t know. These are the “real” couple goals.
Dating: wake him with a blow job
First married: wake him with a kiss
Married 10 years: wake him with a fart
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) March 6, 2020
16. Since you have to cOmPrOmIsE.
My wife and I have an agreement: I get to hold the remote and she gets to make every other decision in our lives.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 14, 2020
17. Because these are the true challenges of a marriage, guys.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 14, 2020
18. And folks, this is what we call P R I O R I T I E S.
Her: My husband and I had sex all night last night. It was beyond amazing.
Me: Well my husband took out the garbage, recycling, AND the green bin all at the same time so
Me: And my washer and dryer are empty
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 26, 2020
19. So honestly, I love exasperated marriage tweets.
Rage vacuuming is like regular vacuuming except you’re married.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) February 11, 2020
20. Oh snap. But I can only imagine what would have followed after this. Because if someone ate MY food, God.
The Absolute Maestro
21. And duh, hilarious tweets about marriage without a Ryan Reynolds tweet? So impossible!
Happy Birthday to my amazing wife. pic.twitter.com/7vulMXqOdp
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 26, 2017
22. And another one. Reynolds roasting his family is too good to pass up.
Being a Dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy-bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 18, 2017
And one more. Come on! It’s Ryan Reynolds.
Just want to wish Billy Ray Cyrus the most special, magical birthday ever. I love you with all my heart. Also, Happy Birthday to my wife.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 25, 2016